Chat and Flirt

Modern dating advice for the internet.

Saturday

1

August 2015

0

COMMENTS

OkCupid Launches 'Identity' Project To Encourage Discussion Of Gender And Sexual Orientation

Written by , Posted in Articles

OkCupid has built a strong reputation for taking a more progressive approach to online dating. Back in 2014, the company began offering users more options for self-identification. Gender was expanded to include agender, androgynous, genderfluid, intersex, and more. Choices for sexual orientation were also extended, including asexual, pansexual, queer, and questioning.

Now OkCupid is continuing its efforts for more inclusive representation. The company recently launched a new pro ...

Friday

31

July 2015

0

COMMENTS

No More Shame: 7 Ways to Get that Confidence Back

Written by , Posted in Advice

We live in a shame culture that attacks our confidence on a daily basis. Because of this we often feel flawed, unlovable, and unworthy.

Shame hurts … bad. Not only emotionally, but also physically. According to Guy Winch, Ph.D., author of Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure and Other Everyday Hurts, rejection and physical pain are so entwined that when research participants were given Tylenol before beginning a rejection experiment, they experienced less intense feelings than the participants who did not receive Tylenol.

Chronic shame also damages health and can lead to heart disease, digestive illnesses, immune disorders, and migraines, as well as a host of mental and mood disorders.

Here are 7 bold ways to bounce back when shame or humiliation brings you down.

1. Recognize your personal shame response and identify your triggers. The “shame response” is a chemical and electrical reaction in your body to the meanings we attach to our experiences. A trigger for me is not necessarily a trigger to you. For some of us appearance is a trigger, for others guilt around parenting. Know in advance what stirs up shame for you.

2. Reach out to someone you trust. Notable shame researcher, speaker, and author Brené Brown says to only share with someone who has “earned the right to hear our stories” — someone who offers empathy while being honest. This is one of the most important shame resilience tools we have because empathy heals shame.

So, make a list of the people whose opinions you value (and trust) and carry this list with you. The next time your shame sneaks up on you and takes your breath (and your confidence) away, call someone on the list, as soon as possible.

3. Get a bear hug. Why a bear hug? Neuroeconomist Paul Zak reports that full body hugs of 20 seconds or more encourage the release of oxytocin, the “connection” hormone. Psychologist Matthew Hertenstein says, “Stimulating touch receptors under the skin can lower blood pressure and cortisol levels, effectively reducing stress.” Shame increases stress, while hugs decrease it. ‘Nuff said.

4. Repeat a mantra to yourself. Shame and humiliation trigger a primal survival response and when this happens, the rational part of our brain usually shuts down. A mantra refocuses your mind, reminding you to act instead of react. Pick a mantra that resonates with you. Here are a few of my favorite mantras:

“Action is the antidote to despair.” – Joan Baez
“If you give your fear legs, it will run away with your dreams.” – L. Collins
“Excellence does not require perfection.” – Henry James

Mantras are easy to use. Carry one with you (in your wallet or purse) or record it on your phone. Choose one as a screen saver for your computer. Write one on your bathroom mirror where you’ll see it every day. Type a mantra on pretty paper and frame it for your office desk. Turn a mantra into your laptop password. The important thing is to keep it readily available so you can see it when needed.

5. Create and practice a “shame recovery” ritual. Peter A. Levine, Ph.D., found that movement is essential to recovering from a stress response. So, create a fun playlist of recovery anthems on your smartphone such as: Taylor Swift’s, “Shake it Off;” Kelly Clarkson’s, “Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You;)” Katy Perry’s, “Roar;” and Sara Bareilles’, “Brave.”  Whatever song lifts you up, crank up the music and dance, walk, run or spin any lingering bad energy away.

6. Practice Power Posing. “What is a power pose,” you ask? It’s standing like “Wonder Woman” or “Super Man” — for two minutes. Amy Cuddy, Ph.D., researches discrimination and stereotyping. She found that power posing lowered cortisol (a stress hormone) and increased testosterone (a confidence boosting hormone).

Students that struck a power pose before going through a rigorous job interview, reported feeling more confident. So follow your Momma’s advice: stand tall, keep your shoulders back, and sit straight at your desk. You’ll feel better and restore your confidence more quickly.

7. Own your story. One of my favorite Brené Brown quotes states, “Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we will ever do.” To recover your confidence after experiencing shame, you must own your story — all of it. It is only by facing the parts that frighten you most that you realize you ARE enough.

Once you rebound from this shame attack, know that shame or humiliation will likely circle back around and try to kick your butt again … at some point in your life. But hold your head up high, because now you know how to meet that monster head on and wrestle it back into place.

Read more at YourTango:

20 Ways To Be Good To Yourself Today

Everything You Need To (Finally!) Love Yourself Naked

11 Quotes That Will Make You Want To Hug Your BFF

 

 

Article originally posted at YourTango

The post No More Shame: 7 Ways to Get that Confidence Back appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Friday

31

July 2015

0

COMMENTS

Musicians Looking to Dating Apps to Promote Music

Written by , Posted in Articles

Musicians are having to find new and more organic ways to promote their new albums, since people are discovering content in different ways outside of traditional radio. To capture new – and especially younger – fans, artists who are serious about promotion are now looking to dating apps, and finding some success.

Millennials are the largest group of consumers of music, and they also tend to be on dating apps like Tinder and Grindr. So it only makes sense that music and dating ap ...

Thursday

30

July 2015

0

COMMENTS

Stop the Talk That Drains You: Self-Talk to True Love

Written by , Posted in Advice

You know how there is always that person who can’t wait to bring you down, burst your bubble, and tell you how bad things are? Well, sometimes that person is you. Those voices in your head that say you aren’t good enough, life stinks, and things will never change. This can reflect in your relationships and give off an attitude that will keep the right person from coming closer.

The voices roll around and around and steal your chance for love. They urge you to do things that you might regret, and they remind you all of the time how you just aren’t good enough, which will put a wall around you and the people you want to attract.

Did you ever think about the voices – where do they come from? Why are they so hard on you? Why do they carry such a negative tone? If you saw someone on the street talking to themselves, you might step off the sidewalk and give a wide berth. You’d probably label them “crazy,” but we talk to ourselves all day long and we don’t think anything about it.

The voices come in uninvited; after all, you’d probably not allow another person to talk to you the way you talk to yourself. You would be appalled if your best friend said the things to you that you take for granted as they pass through your consciousness!

If you lack energy, feel defeated or angry some days, and generally have a sense of malaise, maybe it is time to uninvite those voices – or change them out for friendlier ones. While it may seem automatic and natural to speak so negatively in your mind, you can take your voices back and have a more powerful you emerge.

Three key things to get back to a more powerful you:

Recognize that the voices are invited in and you can invite them to leave. This means acknowledging that they are there – awareness is the first step. Start to notice when you feel stressed, sad, defeated or angry. What is causing that negative emotion? It’s likely a reaction to an event or a condition where the voices start to point out those terrible things. Be aware that they are there, and they are chattering to you.

Once you “hear” the voices, start talking to them: “I don’t need you.” “You aren’t welcome here.” Yes, treat them as if they are outsiders who wandered into your brain but are not permanent visitors. Actually (mentally) speak to them and tell them you are inviting them to leave.

Be ready with positive replacements. This can be different self-talk for different situations. If you know, for example, that your negative self-talk kicks in when those aggressive drivers cut you off in traffic, and you start to talk to yourself about the rude people in the world and how everything is going to pot as a result…be ready the next time you get in your car. Have self-talk at the ready, such as “I’m just driving to a destination. Other drivers don’t affect me,” or “What other people do has no bearing on how I react and feel. I control my reactions and emotions.” Be prepared, and have your positive self-talk in gear before you need it.

Words are powerful. They trigger us and have an impact on how we react, how we feel, and what we do in response. The words you use in your own mind to tell yourself what’s right or wrong are just as powerful as those someone else might say to you. Watch your words and tame the voices – you have the control to do it. A positive self image internally will project on the world and attract the person you truly deserve.

 

shiftII-coverBeverly D. Flaxington, The Human Behavior Coach ®, MBA, is a three-time bestselling and Gold-award winning author, international speaker, successful entrepreneur, business consultant, executive coach, Certified Hypnotherapist, college professor, corporate trainer, facilitator, and Certified Behavioral Analyst. She has created trademarked success models, is often interviewed and quoted on her views. She is also a mother of three children and actively involved in animal rescue. Learn more about her at http://the-collaborative.com/

 

The post Stop the Talk That Drains You: Self-Talk to True Love appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Thursday

30

July 2015

0

COMMENTS

Tinder Watch App uses Heart Rate to Approve Matches

Written by , Posted in Articles

[image1_right]

It’s a revolutionary time in online dating. Now your physiology will be making decisions about who you should date, instead of having to rely on your own decision-making process to swipe left and right.

The new Tinder app debuting on Apple Watch called Hands-Free Tinder, created by developers from Austin-based integrated marketing and advertising firm T3, links a person’s heart rate to their interest in potential matches. Since pulse rates quicken when you are attr ...

Wednesday

29

July 2015

0

COMMENTS

5 Things I’m No Longer Apologizing For in Dating

Written by , Posted in Advice

Subconsciously or consciously, how often do you find yourself apologizing? You slightly bump into a stranger and you mutter a ‘sorry.’ A coworker interrupts you, and yet, you find yourself stammering to apologize first. Or, perhaps just as frequently, you find yourself talking about a bad date and when you feel like your friend has had enough, you quickly quiet yourself, say you’re ‘sorry for venting’ and move on.

It’s a habit that many women (and men) are guilty of and one that’s difficult to break. Continuously shaming yourself doesn’t help build your confidence, and often times can be unattractive to possible boyfriends or girlfriends who are looking for a partner, not someone who can’t hold their own. While it might not feel like it’s in your nature to stand up, speak up, and be proud of your opinions, convictions, and emotions, chances are, your date will be impressed with your willingness to be open, vulnerable, and honest about how you think and feel.

In my past several years of being single and going on (way too many) dates, it’s taken me a lot of time (and wine) to finally figure out how to be brave enough to be myself. And while I haven’t met that right person yet, I have learned how to have courage and to stop apologizing for these things:

1. I’m not sorry that I expect you to communicate.

Online dating can wear on anyone – there’s constant back-and-forth exchanges, but very little face-to-face time to genuinely get to know someone. There’s also many messages to weed through that can be boring, rude or just plain ridiculous. For a while, I would always step up and speed up the conversation myself, oftentime apologizing for being so forward. The funny thing? Men never cared that I carried the conversation, but I did. In a future partner, I really want someone who is not only a talker, but that can ask interesting questions, have meaningful decisions, and hopefully, teach me a thing or two from his own wealth of wisdom. I’m not sorry that I want a communicator – I’m sorry I ever thought I could settle for less than that.

2. I’m not sorry that I have deal breakers.

Over the years, due to age and to what I’ve experienced in the dating world, my deal breakers have changed. I’ve become lenient on certain things, while other qualities matter much more to me than they did when I was in my early 20s. But oftentimes when a friend or family member asks you, ‘What was wrong with that guy?’ and you give them an answer as simple as, ‘The chemistry wasn’t there’ – they always raise an eyebrow.

For better or for worse, not being attracted to someone – regardless if that’s based on height, mannerisms, voice or a million other things – is just as important as their personality. And well, if it’s a big deal to you to be with someone who is ambitious or loving or has a great family, that’s fine. I’m no longer apologizing for being ‘too picky’ or ‘having too high of standards’ because I’m not and I don’t. I simply know what I want, and I know when it’s there or not. After all, practice makes perfect and dating is something I’ve definitely been working hard at.

3. I’m not sorry for being honest.

Yeah, I used to laugh at jokes that I thought were inappropriate, condescending or crude. And sure, I used to just go along with the conversation, even if I disagreed. I would bite my tongue to avoid confrontation, but now? I’m excited to share, unafraid to argue and convicted in my beliefs. If a date says something that I find offensive, I will politely call them out on it. If I really don’t want to split the cheese-and-meat platter, I’ll pass. If I don’t want to have another drink because I’m not interested, I won’t have one to save his feelings. I not only value my time (and my date’s time), but I know what I’m worth and I know that pretending to be attracted when I’m not, will only end in more disappointment than it’s worth.

4. I’m not sorry that I still want romance.

Now, you can skip the rose petals and the soft music with candles dimly lit in the background. But kind, thoughtful gestures – like opening the door for me – they’re still important. While the digital age and the generation of getting-what-we-want-when-we-want-it has made us all invested in an instant-gratification mantra, the reality is that there is still something sexy about mystery and romance. You could Google me and know everything, you could take me to the place with the most Yelp stars, or you could actually take the time to get to know me and not be afraid to express how you feel. To me, that willingness and those gentlemanly acts are the things that will make me feel connected and appreciated. And yes, in the mood, too.

5. I’m not sorry that I want real love.

The truth is, if I really wanted just any ‘ole boyfriend, I would have had a dozen by now. There have been plenty of fine guys, okay men, and dudes that likely would have wanted to be exclusive…but I would also be bored out of my mind. So many friends have given me a hard time or questioned if I would ever find a guy to hold my attention, but I’m not worried (most of the time). I would rather have the opportunity to meet someone special than to waste time with a fleeting relationship. There is so much of the world to see, so many adventures to have, and so many things to learn without being tied down to someone you don’t actually want to build a life with.

I’m not sorry for holding out for the big love and I won’t apologize for who I am. And one day, there will be a man who is glad I took a stand against ‘sorry.’

Lindsay Tigar is a 26-year-old single writer, editor, and blogger living in New York City. She started her popular dating blog, Confessions of a Love Addict, after one too many terrible dates with tall, emotionally unavailable men (her personal weakness) and is now developing a book about it, represented by the James Fitzgerald Agency. She writes for eHarmony, YourTango, REDBOOK, and more. When she isn’t writing, you can find her in a boxing or yoga class, booking her next trip, sipping red wine with friends or walking her cute pup, Lucy.

The post 5 Things I’m No Longer Apologizing For in Dating appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Wednesday

29

July 2015

0

COMMENTS

Shaadi.com Founder Anupam Mittal Steps Down

Written by , Posted in Articles

Anupam Mittal, Founder and CEO of Shaadi.com, has stepped down from his role as CEO of the company. According to reports, he will now focus on Shaadi's corporate developments, new businesses, and international expansions. Gourav Rakshit, former chief operating officer, will take over Mittal's role as CEO of Shaadi.com.

“Day to day responsibilities will now move to Gourav, while I still continue to guide the company with a focus on corporate development and acquisitions,” said Mi ...

Tuesday

28

July 2015

0

COMMENTS

Spark Networks Announces Plans To Reinvigorate JDate & ChristianMingle

Written by , Posted in Articles

Spark Networks operates two of the best-known niche dating sites in the biz – JDate and ChristianMingle – but lately both brands have taken a hit. JDate's userbase has slowly been declining, while ChristianMingle saw an abrupt drop following a cut in advertising spending.

Now Spark Networks is making plans to implement a broad turnaround strategy. The strategy is divided into two action items: upgrade technology for both websites and redeploy advertising funds for ChristianMingl ...

Monday

27

July 2015

0

COMMENTS

2 Things to Know About Texting and Dating

Written by , Posted in Advice

It is no secret that much of the communication between potential or new partners occurs behind the computer screen or through text messaging. By definition, online dating begins on the Internet, however, growing trends suggest that new relationships continue to take place over technology and have become less about connecting and interacting in person. As texting becomes a more socially acceptable way to make plans and stay in touch with romantic interests and friends, picking up the phone or meeting in person can unfortunately become more infrequent.

Texting has become a primary method of connection and communication in many potential or budding relationships, but does an overreliance on text messages make your relationship soar or suffer?

Here are two major problems associated with too much texting during the dating process:

1. Texting too much before you meet your date in person can make it more difficult to connect in person.

A major problem associated with too much texting between you and a romantic interest you have not met is that by the time you actually hear each other’s voices or meet in person, you have inaccurate perceptions and assessments of each other. Therefore, you are more likely to be disappointed at the initial meeting. Often the disappointment is centered on feeling let down when the person you meet is compared against your original assessment behind the technology.

Many of my clients have returned from their dates telling me that the person they met seemed entirely different than the person they emailed or texted with extensively. They generally described their date as more shy or awkward than they had envisioned. While their text message exchanges may have been natural, funny or flirty, there was a different energy to the date. This has left many feeling confused or really uncertain about moving forward.

Think about it … when someone sends you a text, you assign meaning, voice tone, and much more to the words on your screen. Without knowing how the person sounds or how the person hopes to deliver his or her message because you do not truly know each other, you are bound to operate on assumptions. This leads to a potentially flawed interpretation of the message and who the person is. As you get to know and spend time with them in person (think friends, family and co-workers), you naturally do a better job interpreting their texts and emails. This is why it is essential to invest in your dating life by giving potential partners a chance to connect with you in person. It is also important to remember that text exchanges tend to be more flirty than in person (less chance of rejection via text!).

2. Texting keeps you safe, but does not get you far in the relationship world.

The appeal of texting extends far beyond convenience and can easily become a safe and strategic way to connect. A text message acts as a buffer from the discomfort associated with asking someone out and the possibility of being rejected. It keeps you in the safety zone and fosters avoidance of difficult conversations face-to-face or over the phone. It may feel easier to be witty, send thoughtful responses or express romantic desire over text, but texting will only take you so far.

Frequent texting prevents you from building the confidence and courage needed for emotional and social risks and gaining necessary coping skills to handle anxiety and nerves associated with asking someone out or telling someone you like them. The more you hide behind texting to flirt, give compliments or get a date, the harder it becomes to conquer your fears and be intimate in person.

Of course it feels more comfortable being rejected through a text message or behind a computer screen, but if all dating inquiries occur through these means, you are not truly putting yourself in a position to achieve true love and intimacy. Unfortunately, you will block your relationship from progressing if texting is the main way you communicate, especially if you cannot comfortably engage with someone you like in person.

While texting has its advantages, such as being quick, easy and painless (or just less painful), it is not romantic and does not build true intimacy and effective communication over time. Healthy and stable relationships occur when both partners are willing to be vulnerable and present with each other face-to-face.

Texting in moderation works well, if you include more time in person to assess the quality of your connection and deepen your relationship. If you meet online, I highly recommend having a phone conversation to set up any dates and hear your date’s voice prior to meeting.

Bottom line: If you want your relationship to go the distance, I urge you to place the phone on silent mode, and enjoy the many perks of spending time with someone you care for.

About the Author:

Rachel Dack is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC), Nationally Certified Counselor and relationship coach, specializing in psychotherapy for individuals and couples via her private practice in Bethesda, Maryland. Rachel’s areas of expertise include relationships, self-esteem, dating, mindfulness, anxiety, depression and stress management. Rachel is a co-author to Sexy Secrets to a Juicy Love Life, an International Bestseller, written to support single women in decreasing frustration about single-hood, leaving the past behind, cultivating self-love and forming and maintaining loving relationships. Rachel also serves as a Relationship Expert for http://www.datingadvice.com/ and other dating and relationship advice websites. Follow her on Twitter for more daily wisdom!

 

The post 2 Things to Know About Texting and Dating appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Monday

27

July 2015

0

COMMENTS

Staying Positive After a Few Bad Dates…

Written by , Posted in Advice

You’ve committed to finding the one and have been out with a bunch of new prospects. Only problem is, you’ve had one bad date after another and now you’re questioning if sitting at home is actually more fun than going out with the most recent date you’ve planned for Saturday night.

When you’re dragged down by hours of looking at dating profiles, messages that don’t go anywhere and one mediocre date after the other, it’s really easy to get inside of your head and fill it with negativity.

Will I ever find the one? Am I just choosing the wrong ones? Isn’t love supposed to be easy? Is something wrong with me?

Sound familiar? As someone who’s been there, I know how it feels to go through those days (sometimes weeks) where you just want to throw in the towel. Don’t be discouraged; while dating is hard, a love worth having takes effort and a positive state of mind.

Here are some tips to help you get back on track.

Find the Lesson in Every Situation

There are no bad dates, there are only dating lessons. You may have not found the love of your life (yet), but you did meet a new friend, potential career opportunity or a person you can call up to share a hobby with. Those are all wonderful reasons to keep dating.

Continuing to date will also teach you more about yourself and what you’re looking for. Perhaps a non-negotiable arises for you or you realize that you need a partner who has more time to spend with you. The more dates you go on, the more in touch you will be with your needs in a partner.

Lean on Your Support System

When you are limited on time, it’s hard to both date and have time for your friends. But spending time with people we already like is a great way to refocus and reenergize our efforts. Call your friends or family and schedule a date with them. Go see a movie or have brunch so you can laugh and be at ease with the people you love.

When you hang with your support system, be sure not to go down the rabbit hole of venting that turns into complaining. Complaining about your relationship status, the men/women you meet, or the horrible dates you’ve been on will only bring more of that into your life. That’s the law of attraction. Instead, really focus on being optimistic.

Reconnect to Your Purpose

There’s a reason you keep going on all of these dates, right? You want a happy and successful relationship. It’s when things get tough that you need to recommit to that purpose.

Get out a piece of paper and start jotting down your purpose. “I want a great partner,” is not enough. Get detailed with your purpose and the life that you see for yourself in a relationship. How would that transform your life from where it is now and why is it important to you? Reconnect to that purpose and recommit to the journey that gets you there.

Add Variety to Your Dating Life

Are the mundane coffee dates and dinners not working for you? Make your next first date an activity that you know you’ll enjoy regardless of whether you and your date instantly connect. Take a painting class, go on a hike, or window shop through your favorite neighborhood. Whatever the activity, just be sure it still allows you and your date time to talk and get to know each other.

How do you keep it positive during your dating journey?

About the Author:

Ravid Yosef is a Dating & Relationship coach living in Los Angeles. Adamant about sharing the lessons she learned about love and life after cancer, she established LoveLifeTBD.com, a personal blog in April of 2014 and has written over 100 advice articles. Her advice columns and personal essays have been featured on YourTango, Care, Women.com, Fox Magazine, Elite Daily, Thought Catalog, Psych Central, and many other online publications.

The post Staying Positive After a Few Bad Dates… appeared first on eHarmony Advice.