Chat and Flirt

Modern dating advice for the internet.

Friday

29

July 2016

0

COMMENTS

The Venmo Effect: Money and Dating

Written by , Posted in Articles

If you are a millennial, chances are you’ve heard of an app called Venmo, even if you haven’t downloaded it. It’s a peer to peer app owned by PayPal that lets you split things like cab fares and utility bills, to make it easier to share expenses among roommates, family and friends.

But now, there’s a phenomenon reported by ...

Thursday

28

July 2016

0

COMMENTS

Are You Paying Attention to the ‘Godwinks’?

Written by , Posted in Advice

While walking to a workout class, busily talking to my mom about my latest dating flop, she kindly reminded me that when the time is right, when the stars align, when the right person comes along, it won’t be so difficult to fall in love. She’s a big believer in the way the universe twists and turns, often giving us signs if we’re open-hearted enough to see them. I usually take everything she says as scripture (she is my mama, after all!), but on this particular sticky hot afternoon, I just couldn’t be bothered. I heard myself say snippy words as my eyes welled up with those big, splashy, unapologetic tears, and I quickly hurried off the phone.

Even an hour’s worth of boxing didn’t make me feel better, and though I had so many things to check off my to-do list, something told me to stop by Barnes & Noble before heading to my apartment. I remembered how my mom once said we all need some inspiration when we’re feeling defeated or disappointed, and maybe, just maybe, I’d find something that would give me that hope that often feels far away after five years of being single.

Normally not one to judge a book by it’s cover (I’m an avid Kindle reader, for the record) – I couldn’t help but look at a small, lightly-colored book called ‘Godwinks On Love.’ I told myself that I would only buy the book – a real, tangible book! – if I opened it to a random page and something spoke to me.

For whatever reason, I pried it open and my eyes instantly went to a date that was written out – September 16. No big deal, right? Wrong – that’s my birthday. Without hesitation, I hurried to check out and called my mom to apologize. I didn’t know what was in store for me with this quick-read book, but within a week, I had highlighted so many passages, cried my way through the chapters and gone to sleep every single night feeling more positive and full of life.

I’m still single but this profound book full of heartwarming stories that really make you trust in something bigger than yourself, was exactly what this 20-something girl needed. Luckily for me, the author – SQuire Rushnell (NOTE: the capital Q isn’t a typo!) took some time to answer questions for me about how he created the inspiring Godwink collection, along with some advice for daters like me:

What is a godwink?

SQuire Rushnell: “A “godwink” is one of those little experiences that everyone has; you’re tempted to call it “coincidence” but you know it’s something more … something of divine origin.

When that word came into mind, writing my first GodWinks book, I thought of when we were kids, sitting at the big table; you looked up and saw someone you loved looking back at you⎯they gave you a silent communication, a wink⎯you never said, “What do you mean by that?” You KNEW! It meant, “Hey kid, I’m thinking of you right now! I love you!” Well, that’s what a godwink is.

As someone who has been single for most of her adult life, reading your book was the breath of fresh air I really needed. It’s so hard to maintain hope in dating!

SR: I so identify with you. When you are feeling that perfect love in life is something that has passed you by, it gets pretty hopeless. But, I honestly believe that God has created the perfect mate for everyone. Think about this: Why would the God, who created everything perfectly, not have a perfect mate for you? Everything around you is a symphony of perfect design, balance, and color.

I once was mired in loneliness and hopeless about finding perfect love. But I now know that when I cried out in constant prayer that I was placing myself on His GPS⎯ God’s Positioning System. Louise was doing the same thing at the same time. It took awhile for Him to Divinely Align all the events and godwinks in our lives, so that our paths would intersect, but it was worth the wait. When the godwinks began, and our love ignited, it was better than any fourth of July fireworks. And today, 16 years later, I can honestly say that I love my wife more today than yesterday.

What tips do you have for someone who wants to stay positive?

SR: When you ask in prayer, believing that God is who He says He is, and can do what He says He can do, you should expect to receive perfect love. And also expect your answered prayers to come in the form of godwinks.

Godwinks happen more often when you get out of your comfort zone, leaving your baggage behind, and doing things that may take a little courage. Does that mean that people who engage others in conversation, and are actively involved in projects are more likely to experience godwinks than someone who is sitting at home watching TV? Yes.

 

Lindsay Tigar is a 26-year-old single writer, editor, and blogger living in New York City. She started her popular dating blog, Confessions of a Love Addict, after one too many terrible dates with tall, emotionally unavailable men (her personal weakness) and is now developing a book about it, represented by the James Fitzgerald Agency. She writes for eHarmony, YourTango, REDBOOK, and more. When she isn’t writing, you can find her in a boxing or yoga class, booking her next trip, sipping red wine with friends or walking her cute pup, Lucy.

The post Are You Paying Attention to the ‘Godwinks’? appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Thursday

28

July 2016

0

COMMENTS

Pokemon Go Creators Launch New Dating App

Written by , Posted in Articles

Pokemon Go took the world by storm when it launched this summer. The app has successfully gotten people up off their couches to explore new neighborhoods in order to play, so it’s only natural that its positive momentum to connect people can influence the online dating sphere, too.

And now thanks to Project Fixup, a US-based dating a ...

Wednesday

27

July 2016

0

COMMENTS

How to Say No to Narcissists and Takers

Written by , Posted in Advice

Does this sound familiar?

A friend I’ll call “Ed” kept pushing me to contribute to my school’s alumni fund. The more he called me, the more stubborn I felt that my answer was, “No.”

I felt that not only did I lack the money necessary to contribute in order to make a true difference, but I also knew whatever I could give would be paltry in relation to what the fund had already accumulated.

Finally, Ed said, “You’re the only person who hasn’t said yes.”
Maybe that was the truth. Maybe not. Knowing Ed — and his narcissistic ego — I sensed his motivation behind so actively pursuing my contribution had more to do with his desire to be able to say he got 100% of our class to contribute.

So I said, “I guess that’s the way we’ll have to leave it.”

We all receive unwanted requests from time to time. Some deal with money. Some deal with our precious time. Maybe you’re more generous than I was, or maybe you’re less stubborn. Your response may vary according to the situation, and whether or not you currently possess the resources, abilities, or time needed to oblige.

Learning to say no when requests are unreasonable, impossible, or simply unwanted frees your energy, time, and financial resources so you can say yes to those things you find truly important.

Here is a simple two-step process to identify how and when to confidently say, “NO.”

1. Identify the driving motivational tendencies beneath your difficulty saying no.

In general, women (particularly heterosexual women) find it more difficult to say no than do most men. Women are more concerned about hurting others’ feelings, and are generally more anxious about incurring hostility or resentment from the person asking.

You’ll know immediately that opportunities and issues lie within you as specific concerns and motivations are identified.

One of my closest friends has collected several people she calls her friends. I call them takers, and sometimes narcissists. The relationships she has with these people are one-way streets with aspects of co-dependency — a form of relationship dysfunction in which “one person’s help supports (enables) the other’s under-achievement, irresponsibility, immaturity, addiction, procrastination, or poor mental or physical health.” This dynamic often breeds greater dependency and postpones the other person’s progress, ultimately wearying if not draining the giver.

Too many of my own friendships have been based on such “helping” relationships. Over time, I began to realize how tired I felt being the useful one (if not used), in spite of satisfying my need to be needed, as well as to be seen as a good person. I had to be honest with myself and accept how lopsided these relationships were in order to then wean myself of the habit of forming relationships with needy people.

Now that I have, I’m able to enjoy balanced, mutually generous relationships.

And I’ve learned to request help myself!

Common motivations for those of us with difficulty saying no include:

•Fear of rejection
•Anxiety over the perceived threat of feeling lonely
•Preference for being seen as necessary and needed
•Conflict aversion
•Desire to uphold a self-image of generosity and kindness
•Need for control or superiority

2.  Practice the art of just saying no.

My mother used to describe her sister as a doormat before “people-pleaser” became a common term in our vocabulary. When people get used to your being in that role, you can expect continuing requests and even antagonism or resentment when you finally put your foot down. When you receive a response that makes you feel uncomfortable, use it as an opportunity to gather information about the foundation and value of that particular relationship.

Start by allowing yourself time to think before you answer. A simple, “Let me think about your request. I’ll get back to you by …,” is all you need to offer at first.

Next, give meaningful consideration to the request.

Ask yourself the following:

•Do I have the resources, time, and energy necessary to say yes and follow through?
•If so, do I really want to do it?
•How does this request align with or take away from my own needs and priorities?
•Will my involvement truly help this person, or will it serve to perpetuate their negative habits?
•How will I feel if I say yes now and find I can’t, or don’t want to, comply later?
•What are both the worst and best things that might happen if I say no?

If you reach the conclusion that, yes, your answer is indeed, “NO,” say so — politely and firmly.

If the person who made the request persists in asking you to reconsider, suggest alternative, comparable means of assistance — once. After which, simply repeat your refusal in a firm, pleasant manner as many times as necessary.

When the request comes as part of someone’s pattern of reliance on you, insist on setting a time and place to discuss the situation. Before that conversation takes place, take time to organize and clarify your responses, and well as to identify the outcome you would like to achieve.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

•What is the meaning and value of this relationship to me?
•What am I willing to do to (and what am I unwilling to do) in order to sustain and improve it?

If the requestor has authority over you, you can also identify a range of alternatives, ask for clarification of previously agreed-upon priorities that may need re-visiting, or provide an either/or option (i.e., should I do this or that?).

Pay attention to what’s important to YOU and use your own resources well.

Time, energy, and financial resources are all precious. Once used, they cannot be retrieved. Every time you say no, you collect opportunities to say yes to yourself and to your own preferences, values, hopes, needs, and goals. Paradoxically, you also increase your opportunities to contribute to others, and possibly to your relationships, when you say no. You allow others the ability to deal with their own issues, become more resourceful in seeking alternatives, and gain respect for your strengths and interests.

To make the time you’ve used reading this article count, decide on your own next actions. Choose one opportunity or situation within the next week where saying no will benefit yourself and possibly someone else. Identify two or three steps you will take to prepare for action. Schedule them — and then make it happen.

Finally, if you feel stuck or occasionally hit a roadblock repeat this personal mantra I’ve developed:

I will be as kind to myself as I am to others.

 

More from YourTango:

17 Signs He’s Crazy About You

9 Ways Strong Women Get Ahead In Life WITHOUT Losing Themselves

5 Secrets That Help You Be The Person EVERYONE Wants To Talk To

 

Article originally posted at YourTango

The post How to Say No to Narcissists and Takers appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Wednesday

27

July 2016

0

COMMENTS

Tinder Finally Setting Age Restrictions for its App

Written by , Posted in Articles

Tinder, one of the world’s largest dating platforms, has been available to users as young as thirteen since the app launched almost four years ago. Tinder’s practice of letting teens use its app has been an anomaly in the industry, and one that hasn’t gotten as much attention as its reputation for quick hook-ups. But as o ...

Tuesday

26

July 2016

0

COMMENTS

Friday

22

July 2016

0

COMMENTS

Summer Loving: Why You Should Keep Your Options Open

Written by , Posted in Articles

According to Match’s Singles in America Study, most people are interested in long-term relationships, especially men. However, if you spend much time in the real world of online dating and dating apps, you see a different story unfold: most people are afraid to commit, less they lose their options for meeting other people.

It’s a double-edged sword: t ...

Thursday

21

July 2016

0

COMMENTS

Are You a Financial Fit for Each Other?

Written by , Posted in Advice

Healthy love and compatibility in a budding relationship are wonderful qualities and can take you a long way. If your attitudes about money matters don’t match, however, warning bells instead of wedding bells could be ringing.

Have you had the “Talk” yet? You know, that talk about money. Have you talked about those taboo topics like a personal budget, spending, and debt issues? Do you know where that special someone in your life stands when it comes to savings, planning, and overall financial awareness? What emotions surface or old memories get triggered when money issues come up? Perhaps there were role models that never talked about money or demonstrated negative emotions about it. Are you now adept at sidestepping the whole topic?

If this relationship is on track for the next commitment step, it’s time for the “Talk”. Go ahead, make that date, have some wine, remember the priority of the love you have for each other and slowly dive in. Discover where you match and where you want to adjust on the following financial money matters.

Budgeting – Liberating or Depriving?

Choosing to work with a personal budget plan on a regular basis can be very freeing. Think of it as a tool that allows you to spend without guilt and save with more ease. Once you have a spending plan, you KNOW what you have available to spend and no longer are worrying, guessing or depending on a credit card as a type of “supplemental income” to get you through “just in case”. This means managing bills in a timely manner, avoiding late fees and knowing what to anticipate, rather than being blindsided by supposed “emergencies.”

What is it about having a personal spending plan and being in control of your choices and spending that still feels like deprivation?

Spending – Conscious or Unconscious?

Does your day of convenient cashless spending go by on autopilot with no conscious recollection of the lattes, or downloads throughout the day? Any clue how much money just trickled out of your account that day?

Or are you on top of it, working with handy tracking systems and alerts? You have conscious mental practices keeping you aware of your spending plan and the impact on your overall balance.

Debt – Something to Avoid or Just a Way of Life?

Debt often has a variety of emotional charges around it related to childhood memories, debt collectors or impossible student loans. Based on your life experiences or temperament, are you the type who focuses on avoiding or eliminating debt at all costs? Or, do you tend to mortgage your future against today’s “necessities”? After all, why not live for today and trust the universe will take care of tomorrow.

SavingsSaver or a Spender?

Remember Aesop’s fable of the ant and the grasshopper? The grasshopper loved to have fun and sing all summer, laughing at the industrious ant gathering up food and preparing for the winter. Are you an ant who believes in emergency funds for those REAL emergencies? Events like work hours suddenly cut back at your job, traffic fines from hidden cameras, or the outrageous vet bill after your pet’s freak accident.

Or maybe, like the grasshopper, you feel lucky if you manage to keep even a portion of any savings. Depositing money in savings and then pulling it right back out again, because of a lack of any budget planning, is a hard cycle to break without conscious changes.

How about maxing out your retirement fund contributions at work? Do you believe in starting young and leveraging that compounding explosion over time? What explosion you say? Retirement is for the future. You’re a grasshopper. You’ll contribute later.

And now…How did the “Talk” go? Did you find a match, or a good starting point, concerning personal budgets, spending, debt and savings?

Judy Lawrence, M.S. Ed., is a Financial Counselor in Albuquerque, NM, founder of http://www.moneytracker.com/ and author of “The Budget Kit: Common 6th Ed“. Judy shares fundamental money management tools and concepts developed and gleaned from sitting at thousands of kitchen tables (physically and virtually) and guides couples toward healthy relationships with money. Allow Judy to help you understand, create and maintain a budget that works for you through her free one hour webinar and online e-course.

The post Are You a Financial Fit for Each Other? appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Thursday

21

July 2016

0

COMMENTS

Match Group Reports Strong Q1 2016 Financial Results

Written by , Posted in Articles

Match Group released first quarter 2016 financial results on May 3. The company went public last November, and in its first earnings announcement as a publicly-traded company, Match Group fell short of earnings estimates by 5.3%. This time around, things are looking up.

Match Group reported sharply higher sales and profits in Q1 2016. Last quarter, the company’s dating revenues rose 14%, driven by a 30% increase in paid members. With that momentum, Match Group continued to perfo ...

Wednesday

20

July 2016

0

COMMENTS

What’s the Best Day for Online Dating?

Written by , Posted in Articles

Many online daters don’t really think about the time or day they login to their accounts to see their new matches. Because we have our phones on us all the time, we tend to check whenever we have the chance.

But a new study has come out from ...