Chat and Flirt

Modern dating advice for the internet.

Saturday

23

May 2015

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4 Truths About Online Dating You Have To Accept

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I'm the optimistic sort, but in the face of online dating, even my normally unshakable optimism can start to quiver.

It's not that online dating is bad – far from it – but it isn't always easy. If you've been slogging through dead-end date after dead-end date, online dating might feel like a quick fix for a dull love life. You basically just put up a profile and go shopping for a significant other, right? How hard can it be to swipe until someone tickles your fancy?

Op ...

Friday

22

May 2015

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Online Dating Sites Still More Popular than Tinder

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Are you on Tinder? Chances are, you’re also a member of a traditional online dating site – and many of you are paying for the service. According to a recent survey by Global Web Index, 70% of Tinder users also use an online dating site – and the majority are accessing all dating sites through their phones (58 ...

Thursday

21

May 2015

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COMMENTS

Luxy Dating App for Rich People Offered Money to Rename a City

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Luxy, a new dating app for rich people, seems to like provocative gimmicks to attract new users to their service. First, they launched their app in 2014 describing it as “Tinder without the poor people.” Now, they have taken their brand to the next outrageous level by offering $3.4 million to rename the celebrity enclave of Hidden Hills, California after their own app – Luxy, U.S.A.

Hidden Hills is an exclusive suburb of Los Angeles, home to celebrities Jennifer Lopez, Miley Cyr ...

Wednesday

20

May 2015

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COMMENTS

8 Ways You Are Crossing Healthy Boundaries with the Ex

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As a chocolate lover, I’d like to think you can never have too much chocolate. Similarly, I want to say you can never be too good. But I do think you can overplay a strength, particularly with an ex, and get yourself in trouble. It’s the same with chocolate, no matter how good it is, there’s trouble when you’ve had too much.

Your ex may continually beg overtly or subtly over and over for various behaviors in the past that, while very appropriate for a spouse, cross the invisible boundaries you are attempting to establish. Sometimes it’s difficult because the request seems like something you “should” do precisely because it taps into one of your strengths.

Unless you’re uber-civilized and still super-good friends with your ex, here are eight ways you’re being TOO nice after a breakup:

1. You’re Helping Him Meet New Women

Perhaps your flirtatious ways and openness to the new are what got you in trouble in the relationship, but they’re killer strengths when it comes to dating. And you’d like to share these strengths with your ex.That would be a great idea if your ex was a BFF instead of a former lover.

The potential for becoming ensnared in sexual innuendo or petty jealousy is way too high here. Spread your wings and fly without worrying how your ex is managing the dating scene.

2. You Babysit Her Pets

You get a call at 11:30 pm asking you to go give the dog a quick walk because your ex decided to spend the night out. Despite the inconvenience, you do it because that’s what a loving, caring person does for the dog they loved these past eight years, and you are a loving, caring person. This is what we call overplaying the caring strength.

3. You’re Helping Her Find A New House

Your no-nonsense approach to problem solving, a strength, makes house-hunting a snap. You know your ex is terrible at this type of thing, so you figure there’s no harm in lending a hand. Because I’m sure you have nothing else to do with your time now that you’re single, living on less and having more to do around your own place, right?

4. You’re Decorating His New Place

In the now-dissolved partnership you know you can use your strength of creativity to help your ex make the new home as comfy and perfect as the home you had together. And how, exactly, is this helping you separate and accept that you are each moving on with your lives?

5. You’re STILL Balancing His Checkbook

Prior to a divorce, some people have never balanced a checkbook or paid a bill. Among your strengths are your incredible organizational and analytical abilities making these tasks easy for you.

Instead of taking over, stand by and allow your ex to learn to do these things. Answering a question here or there or making the occasional suggestion is fine, but actually taking care of these tasks—please, stop.

6. You’re Helping Her Make Big Purchases

For many, making a big ticket purchase solo is a first post-divorce endeavor. You have natural skills in negotiating and sniffing out deals, strengths which you know your ex lacks. How would it hurt to step in and help?

It would hurt because it’s not your car, or house or life. It’s all theirs now and you must disengage and allow your ex to learn, if necessary, the hard way.

7. You’re Making Choices For Him

Whether it’s getting a dog, selling a house or taking a trip to China, don’t offer your ex your strength in problem solving or your uncanny ability to know what makes others happy. Do not get involved in making choices that are entirely up to your ex. You don’t want to open the door to your ex repeatedly asking for your input or meddling in your decisions.

8. You’re Still Having Sex With Her

If loving others is a character strength for you, that’s wonderful. Offering sex to your ex, for whatever reason, is likely overplaying that virtue. There are many excellent reasons not to have sex with your ex—it interferes with moving on and confuses everyone, including you. Stop. Now.

We all have wonderful character strengths. Beware of overplaying those strengths with your ex. There won’t be a gut punch like there is when you’ve eaten too much chocolate, but you can keep it in check by being nice, but not too nice.

More from Dr. Tutin at YourTango:

9 Important Steps to Avoid Becoming a Tech Dinosaur

Ladies, We all Have the Power in Speed Dating (Science says so!)

8 Simple Steps to Lift Your Self Esteem

Article originally posted at YourTango: 8 Ways You are Being Too Nice to Your Ex

The post 8 Ways You Are Crossing Healthy Boundaries with the Ex appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Wednesday

20

May 2015

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COMMENTS

Stop Making These 5 Awful Online Dating Mistakes

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At this point online dating is pretty much inescapable. It seems like everyone has tried it, or knows someone who tried it, or has at least thought about it. For some of those people it's intuitive. For others it's... not.

Let's get this out of the way first: it's totally ok if you don't “get it” immediately. There's a learning curve, and learning means taking a few tumbles before you can run a marathon. An online dating marathon. Or something (just go with it).

...

Tuesday

19

May 2015

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COMMENTS

Seriously, Stop Using These Words In Your Online Dating Profiles

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Creativity is hard. I get it.

I stare at blank pages every day and have to turn them into useful, compelling content. It's always intimidating, but the fact that it's a daily routine makes it increasingly less stressful all the time.

Then there's your online dating profile. It also requires creativity and compelling use of language, but it's not a skill you're practicing every day. You do it once, with occasional revamps when something isn't working, and that's it.

...

Monday

18

May 2015

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COMMENTS

Match and eHarmony Announce Dating Apps for Smartwatches

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This month, eHarmony and Match.com both announced the release of new dating apps available for smartwatch users.

According to eHarmony, 50% of new users come to its service via their mobile devices, so the company has made a push towards more mobile-friendly technology; part of that initial push includes their dating app being accessible through wearable technology – specifically Android Wear and Samsung Gear S devices.

Not to be outdone, Match.com is launching its own ...

Sunday

17

May 2015

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COMMENTS

Tinder’s Strategy in Gaining 24 Million Users in 2 Years

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By now, we all know of Tinder’s unprecedented success in the online dating market. But how exactly did they make it happen – gaining over one million active users in less than a year, and then to gather 24 million users in only two years?

According to Tinder, there were two essential challenges with the online dating market before they launched the product: first, there was social stigma associated with online dating – the perception by the general public that it was a last reso ...

Saturday

16

May 2015

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COMMENTS

Hilary Duff Tries Tinder, Possibly For A New Reality Show

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[image:hilary-duff-tries-tinder.png title:Hilary Duff on Tinder]

Little Lizzie McGuire herself, Hilary Duff, is officially on Tinder.

Her appearance on the popular dating app has been big news since a Tinder user came across her profile and posted a screen shot [link:www.reddit.com/r/Tinder/comments/33qbdb/i_found_lizzy_mcguire/ to Reddit]. Naturally, there were plenty of skeptics, but Duff confirmed to radio show [link:www.1043myfm.com/onair/valentine-in-the-morning-45207/hilary ...

Friday

15

May 2015

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COMMENTS

7 Signs The Guy You’re Dating is Definitely Not ‘The One’

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It’s challenging when you’re dating someone  — and wondering if they’re the right one. To answer that question, it’s tempting to focus on him, frantically monitoring his every word and behavior looking for signs that might predict future happiness or misery to come.

But here’s the truth you need to know … the only real and accurate barometer of whether this man and this relationship are right for you — is you. Your gut instincts, your feelings — they won’t let you down. They’re already communicating with you and it’s okay to listen.

Here are seven signs your gut instinct is already telling you the truth about Mr. Wonderful … even if it isn’t what you want to hear.

1. You constantly feel frustrated and confused by your man’s actions.

He says all the right things (a.k.a. the things you want to hear) but his actions don’t align. You’re left feeling baffled and frustrated and neither feeling is going away.

Reality check: When it comes to communication and trust, there is no better predictor of his future behavior than his behavior now.

When words and actions don’t line up, it’s so tempting to focus on the pretty words. But the truth is always found in his action. Actions seldom lie and they speak loud and clear.

2. You make excuses for him all the time.

No matter what he does or doesn’t do (whether it’s standing you up at the last minute or forgetting your birthday), you make excuses for him to anyone and everyone (including yourself) even though you know that behavior isn’t alright.

Instead of trying to resist what’s actually happening, try bravely listening to your fears and concerns. What truths are you avoiding when you shine over his behavior with excuses?

3. Your feelings of self-doubt and insecurity keep growing.

A healthy relationship promotes inner calm and confidence, making you feel wanted and comfortable.

Of course, no relationship rids us of all our concerns or insecurities, but a healthy relationship should never add to them either. If something doesn’t feel right with this guy or being around him makes you doubt yourself, he’s probably not right for you — gnawing anxiety seldom lies.

4. You start believing it’s you.

If you find yourself endlessly wondering what you can do or be that will make you more appealing to him, something is off. If when he pulls away, you only wonder what you did to cause it, you’re taking on an unhealthy amount of responsibility for your shared relationship.

He might even tell you how his behavior was your fault, or list the ways you aren’t good enough for him (words lie), and yet he is with you (behavior doesn’t).

If you weren’t good enough for him, he wouldn’t be dating you. Instead of falling for this bait and switch — which is typically called projection in psychology — start asking yourself if he is good enough for you. And be honest with yourself.

5. You feel lonely and invisible when you’re with him.

Of course it’s lonely when he avoids you, but if you also feel lonely when you two are together, this may mean he’s incapable of letting you in. And, no, this isn’t because you’re just “too needy.” Loneliness is often more about the company we keep, than whether we’re truly alone.

6. You refuse to see his limitations as permanent.

As you start to understand what he brings to the table, it’s tempting to focus on how (maybe) he can change the not-so-great parts of himself. And believe me, people can change!

But an ability to change does not predict whether he will. You must look at who he is fundamentally NOW (not his potential future self) and decide if you want him as he is. If he never changes a thing, can you accept him, warts and all?

7. You are afraid of being single.

This is the kicker. Even if you see the limitations of this relationship, you’re at least in one, and it’s tempting to think an iffy relationship is better than nothing.

Thanks to our “negativity bias,” we are typically primed to over inflate our fears, and focus more on the things that scare us rather than the things that make us happy.

When you think about being single, your “negativity bias” likely kicks in, scaring you into believing you can’t handle being alone (making you hold on to this man even when you know he isn’t a right fit).

But here’s the thing: You’re already alone if you’re in a relationship that makes you feel lonely, frustrated, or insecure. Being single is better than being in a relationship that makes you feel bad about yourself. So remember, your feelings are your most trusted resource if you have the courage to listen.

More from Dr. Clark at YourTango:

4 Ways To Stop Your Grumpiness From Rearing Its Ugly Head

6 Surprising Ways Stress Makes Your Life Better

The Warped Messages 50 Shades is Teaching Your Teens About Love

 

 

This article originally posted at YourTango: 7 Unmistakable Ways Your Instincts Scream He’s Not The One

The post 7 Signs The Guy You’re Dating is Definitely Not ‘The One’ appeared first on eHarmony Advice.