Chat and Flirt

Modern dating advice for the internet.

Sunday

29

May 2016

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Study Tests The Myth That Tinder Users Are Different From Other Online Daters

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Tinder’s simple swipe functionality has long made it a target of criticism. Detractors claim the dating app is a magnet for promiscuous singles hoping for hook-ups, while defenders say meaningful relationships are also part of the package. A new study suggests the latter may be right.

Researchers at Webster Vienna Private University in Austria asked 75 users of Tinder and oth ...

Friday

27

May 2016

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Thursday

26

May 2016

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Tuesday

24

May 2016

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COMMENTS

4 Things to Look For in a High-Quality Man

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If you met an amazingly wonderful, high-quality man today, would you be able to recognize him?

I know that most of my clients and women I speak to on a regular basis can’t. They are often concerned with a list of qualities and accomplishments that are watered down and often shallow.

When I ask them what they’re looking for, they start listing a bunch of adjectives that most of us want; loving, giving, handsome, successful, kind, tall, etc. But if we all want the same thing, why can’t we find it?

It’s because we get stuck in the semantics rather than the character. That’s the reason women waste time on unavailable men and don’t recognize the good ones.

In truth, there are 4 crucial qualities you should be looking for in a high-quality man:

1. Integrity

By definition: the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness

In practice, a man who has integrity is a man of his word. He keeps his promises and shows you his intention through his action. He doesn’t just talk the talk, he walks the walk. You can trust a man with integrity to follow through and show up in your relationship in a positive way.

His moral compass rules his choices and he will always choose to do the right thing in his life and by you.

Look for integrity in the small things when you first meet a man. Does he call when he says he will? Is he late to dates? Does he show integrity in his work? If he can’t show integrity with the little things, he will have a hard time showing integrity when it really matters.

2. Purpose

Every man needs purpose. Usually men don’t find their purpose in a relationship or family. The relationship can fuel his purpose as he strives to provide for his family, but it is not the source of his purpose. That may be hard for women to hear, but it’s true. A man usually finds his purpose in his work and how he contributes to the world.

Look for purpose early in the relationship in how he speaks about his career and services. Is he passionate about what he does? Does he have goals? Is he excited about going to work?

This doesn’t mean that he has to be an entrepreneur or six-figure man. You can work a 9-5 and still be passionate about what you do and the difference you are making for others.

3. Commitment
 
When most women hear commitment they are thinking about a committed and monogamous relationship. That is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to commitment. 

Commitment fuels integrity and purpose. You must be committed to growing, learning, and having the tools in place to live in your purpose. If you are not committed to living in your purpose or to having integrity you can’t possibly be committed and have the ability to be in a relationship.

4. Perseverance

Perseverance is a key quality to look for because life isn’t always kind to you and you want to know that when things get real, your man can persevere. How does he deal with adversity and challenges in his life?

When he’s knocked down, does he get back up? Does he recommit to his purpose when he fails? Or does he let the bad times and his fears knock him down for good? Perseverance is what will keep him going and recommitting to and working on your relationship through the hard times.

In order to recognize these pillars of a high-quality man, you too must possess these qualities. So began asking yourself, do I have integrity, purpose, commitment, and perseverance?
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Want to learn how to Ignite Your Feminine Energy and Attract High-Quality Men? Click here to watch Ravid’s Free 3-Part video series to discover how.

The post 4 Things to Look For in a High-Quality Man appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Tuesday

24

May 2016

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COMMENTS

Online Dating Is Killing Your Chances Of Dating Out Of Your League

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Dream of seducing a supermodel with your charming personality and fantastic sense of humor? You may be out of luck, and online dating is to blame. Recent studies suggest that dating sites and apps make it harder to land someone out of your league.

How often have you heard that “opposites attract?” How unique do you believe your preferences are? ...

Saturday

21

May 2016

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COMMENTS

Dating Sites Maple Match and Bernie Singles Capitalize on American Politics

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Are you a Republican or Democrat? According to a study by dating website Match, most people looking to date wouldn’t care one way or another, but something has changed in 2016, and people are becoming more polarized and politically active.  

Perhaps it’s the entertainment aspect that Donald Trump has brought to the campaign trail, or the enthusiastic support of Bernie Sanders among young liberal voters, but something has shifted in the collective American psyche---so much so, th ...

Friday

20

May 2016

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Thursday

19

May 2016

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10 Subtle Signs of Emotional Abuse

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If you’ve never been involved with a cunning, pathological lying, narcissistic, abusive partner, you may not know what you’re dealing with.

When you date an abusive personality, you may buy into his charm, braggadocio, and phony façade while downplaying his inconsiderate and questionable behavior. Or you mistrust your instincts that your boyfriend or husband is lying to you, demeaning and controlling you. Worse yet, you may think you are overreacting and crazy — as he claims you are.

NOTE: You can be in an emotionally abusive relationship with a boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, male or female friend, family member, boss or co-worker.

An abuser’s goal is to affect and control the emotions, objective reasoning, and the behavior of his victim. Covert abuse is disguised by actions that appear normal, but it is clearly insidious and underhanded.

The abuser methodically chips away at your confidence, perception, and self-worth with his subtle hints, unnecessary lying, blaming, accusing, and denial.

The abuser fosters an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, and unpredictability. He steadily pushes you to the edge with his deception, sarcasm, and battering until you erupt in anger and then you become the “bad guy” giving him the ammunition he needs to justify his hurtful actions.

If you are experiencing any of the following things, you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship:

Accusing and blaming: He shifts the responsibility and the emphasis onto you for the problems in your relationship. He says things, like: “It’s your fault.” What’s wrong with you?” “You didn’t remind me.” “Nothing I do is ever enough.”

Punishment by withholding: He refuses to listen, he ignores your questions, he withholds eye contact and gives you the “silent treatment.” He’s punishing you! He may refuse to give you information about where he is going, when he is coming back, about financial resources and bill payments. He withholds approval, appreciation, affection, information, thoughts and feelings to diminish and control you.

Blocking and diverting: He steers the conversation by refusing to discuss an issue or he inappropriately interrupts the conversation. He twists your words, he watches TV, or he walks out of the room while you’re talking. He criticizes you in a way that causes you to defend yourself and lose sight of the original conversation.

Contradicting: He disapproves and opposes your thoughts, perceptions or your experience of life itself. No matter what you say, he uses contradicting arguments to frustrate you and wear you down. If you say, “It’s a beautiful day,” he’ll say, “What’s great about it, the weather’s crappy.” If you say you like sushi, he’ll say, “Are you kidding, it’ll give you parasites.”

Discounting: He denies your experience of his abuse. He tells you that you’re hypersensitive or that you’re imagining things or that you can never be happy. His disfigures the truth, causing you to mistrust your perception and the reality of his abuse.

Disparaging humor: Verbal abuse is often disguised as jokes. The abuser teases, ridicules, and humiliates you with sarcastic remarks about your appearance, personality, abilities, and values. He makes fun of you in front of your friends and family because he knows you will avoid a public confrontation. If you tell him to stop, he tells you that you are too sensitive or you can’t take a joke.

General crazy-making: He uses a combination of distortion, blaming, forgetting, stonewalling, and denial to confuse, frustrate, and drive you to the brink of insanity. He denies the truth and twists your words, putting you on the defense. He wants you to second guess yourself, doubt your reality and your ability to reason.

Judging and criticizing: He harshly and unfairly criticizes you and then he passes it off as “constructive” criticism. If you object, he tells you he is only trying to help in an effort to make you feel unreasonable and guilty.

Undermining: He breaks his promises and he fails to follow through on agreements. He minimizes your efforts, interests, hobbies, achievements, and concerns. He trivializes your thoughts and suggestions. If you suggest a restaurant or a vacation destination, he says, “The food is awful at that place!” and “Why would you want to go to Florida; it’s nothing but a tourist trap!”

Forgetting: He “accidently”  forgets the things that are important to you. He forgets to pick up the dry cleaning, to make a household repair or buy tickets to the movies. By doing this, he’s saying, “I’m in control of your time and reality.”

Abusive behavior is not always verbal. Your partner may use body language or gestures to control and diminish you. For example:

Refusing to talk or make eye contact

Sulking, strutting, posturing, and stomping out of the room

Boredom-crossed arms, showing disgust, rolled eyes, and frowning

Inappropriate sounds, deep sighs, words like, “Soooo!”

Hitting or kicking something or driving recklessly to scare you

Withdrawing or withholding affection to punish you

Patronizing, laughing at your opinion, mimicking or smirking

Interrupting, ignoring, not listening, refusing to respond

Distorting what you say, provoking guilt, or playing victim

Yelling, out-shouting or swearing to shut you down

Starting a sentence with, “Forget it”

Understand the covert tactics of an abusive personality in Never Date A Dead Animal: The Red Flags of Losers, Abusers, Cheaters and Con-Artists by Nancy Nichols.  

More at YourTango:

6 Signs You’re In Love With A SERIOUS Narcissist (And How To Deal)

12 BIG Signs You (Or Someone You Love) Has Bipolar Disorder

10 Ways to Turn Self Doubt into Positivity

The post 10 Subtle Signs of Emotional Abuse appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Thursday

19

May 2016

0

COMMENTS

What You Hold On To, Holds On To You

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I became an incomplete paraplegic at the age of 22, because of a road accident. Running was the thing I loved to do most in life and it was taken away from me in a split second without warning or consultation.

Meeting the man who put me in a wheelchair was not going to be easy. I didn’t feel anger towards him or crave retribution, but I was apprehensive about getting in touch with him, hearing his voice, seeing him in person. My concern was that it might be a negative experience—and that would make things worse for me, not better. But I also knew that if I didn’t face up to this I would never be free of it. I wanted to know what happened in the cabin of that truck just before it hit me and what the driver’s reaction had been and how his own life had turned out. I wanted to know for sure that it was an accident, that my paraplegia was an unfortunate consequence of a random event.

Dialing the number was extremely difficult. It was nothing compared to facing up to the injuries I’d suffered when I woke up in the spinal unit at the local hospital, but I had no choice but to keep going then. Facing the man who put me in a wheelchair was another issue altogether. I would be putting the ball squarely in his court and that was both risky and confronting.

“Hello,” he said. “Hello, my name is John Maclean,” I replied. “I have been trying to get in touch with you for a while. I am at a stage of my life where I am moving forward and I was hoping we could meet. I have no intention of malice but it would help me with closure.”

There, I had said it—blurted it out, more precisely—before he had the chance to hang up. My heart was beating so fast and loud I could hear it thumping through my shirt. “I am okay with that,” he said. No objection or questions, just five words in a non-committal tone.

Two weeks later I wheeled into the lobby of the agreed hotel, and transferred from my wheelchair into a lounge chair facing the entrance. I knew he would recognize me—the wheelchair parked beside me would make sure of that. I had rehearsed what I would say in an attempt to put him at ease. The first few seconds of any meeting are critical and I wanted to take the edge off any discomfort he might be feeling. This was not about retribution or anger. It was about closure and forgiveness.

He looked really nervous and jittery, and suddenly I realized how much courage it had taken for him to come here today. I thanked him again for coming and explained that I had been revisiting parts of my life in an attempt to get closure. “The last part of the jigsaw was to finally meet you and get your interpretation of how the accident unfolded. What was your recollection of the accident?”

Tom drew a deep breath and shifted a little on the lounge. I felt he was choosing his words carefully. “I was driving down the highway and was coming up on the back of another truck and I was indicating and wanting to go out and around,” he said rather nervously. “I don’t remember hearing anything. And I don’t remember seeing a cyclist, I was looking in my side-view mirror and didn’t realize anything had happened until I saw this guy on the motorbike coming up beside me waving at me with one hand and motioning for me to pull over. I first knew something had happened when I got out and walked around and saw the front of the truck. I didn’t walk back to see you on the side of the road. I thought you were dead. I was only 20 and I just didn’t know what to do. The police took my statement and my details, and I went back to the warehouse to tell my boss.”

I had lain in hospital for several weeks, expecting the truck driver to walk through the door at any moment. I had waited for him, listened for his footsteps even. “What about the hospital?” I said as evenly as I could. “Was there a thought of going to the hospital?” “There was certainly a thought,” he said, a little nervously, as if he understood this was an issue for me. “When the boss actually found out what had happened he told me to stay away.”

“Part of me—a big part of me,” I said, “was waiting for you to come in and say, ‘I’m sorry.'” Accidents happen every day and that would have been good for me to hear at that time. People have said to me, “What happened with the truck driver?” and I say, “I don’t know, I never heard from him.”

I saw his eyes mist over. He was on the verge of tears and for the first time I realized that he had not escaped the incident unscathed either. His voice faltered, “When you called a couple of weeks ago, I was shocked, but I thought, ‘Yes, I want to meet him.’ I want to go and say ‘Sorry’, and that if I could do anything different I would.”

And there it was! He had finally used the word “sorry”. He hadn’t looked me in the eye and said it directly to my face. But he had said it, and I believed he was. All that had transpired between us in terms of the impact we’d had on each other’s lives was not going to be erased after one meeting. But the sting had gone out of it, at least for me. I respected the magnitude of what we had achieved today. It was, as I’d hoped, a cathartic experience for me, and I hope for him.

It dawned on me why the meeting was so powerful—what you hold onto in life holds onto you. That’s what I learnt that day. I had faced my fear. It was not enough to talk about what had happened, I had to have this meeting—I had to go through the process—to get it right in my own mind and be free of it. I no longer felt the need to hold on. I felt a sense of closure.

bookJohn Maclean is the author of How Far Can You Go? My 25 Year Quest To Walk Again. In June 1988, John was hit by an 8-ton truck as he rode his bike. Somehow this near-fatal accident was the making of him. John decided to rebuild his life and became an elite wheelchair athlete and Paralympian. 25 years after his accident John faced his biggest challenge yet – learning to walk again. For more information visit www.johnmaclean.com.au.

 

The post What You Hold On To, Holds On To You appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Thursday

19

May 2016

0

COMMENTS

15 Ways to Get a Closed-Off Person to Open Up

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You’ve heard it said many times that communication is crucial for good relationships. Few people would disagree that open, honest communication is important—but that doesn’t mean everyone is willing or able to talk effectively.

So what happens when your friend or love isn’t open and you’re having trouble coaxing the words out? Try these strategies:

1. If this person is a clam, don’t be a crowbar. In other words, prying someone open usually doesn’t work. It will get you nowhere to demand, plead, or threaten. A gentler approach will get you much further.

2. Realize that for many people, being open is scary. Closed-off people are convinced that being vulnerable invites judgment or rejection.

3. Create a safe environment. Getting someone to open up has everything to do with that person feeling safe and secure.

4. Understand that some closed-off people have hidden wounds. A difficult upbringing or past romantic disasters may have contributed to the fear of being open.

5. Recognize that everyone is wired differently. Each person falls somewhere on the continuum of extrovert and introvert, guarded and transparent. This doesn’t mean that someone naturally closed off can’t learn to open up—but it helps for you to understand that person’s basic temperament.

6. Be an ally, not an adversary. It can be frustrating when someone you love refuses to open up to you. Don’t let frustration become another barrier.

7. Express what openness means to you. Say something like, “Our relationship is so important to me. I want to us to have the closest relationship possible.”

8. Take time for togetherness. Many people need time—lots of it—to feel the freedom to open up.

9. Know that nagging will get you nowhere. When we see someone we love struggling to open up, we want to help—and that desire to help can sometimes cause us to nag and nudge. Doing so will only leave you both frustrated.

10. Set the tone. Make sure the context and conditions are right for open communication.

11. Emphasize empathy. Convey to this person that you “get” what he’s saying and you identify with his feelings.

12. Be a “role model.” Verbalize your own thoughts and feelings, and then allow plenty of space for them to do the same.

13. Accentuate affirmation. Any time he or she makes the effort to be transparent with you, make sure you convey how much you appreciate it.

14. Meet halfway. It’s not realistic or fair to expect anyone to immediately move from closed to totally open. Be satisfied with small steps forward.

15. Employ all of your listening skills. No one is going to be open with you unless he knows he has your full and undivided attention.

The post 15 Ways to Get a Closed-Off Person to Open Up appeared first on eHarmony Advice.