Chat and Flirt

Modern dating advice for the internet.

Friday

30

January 2015

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COMMENTS

Friday

30

January 2015

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COMMENTS

Why Rejection Isn’t All about You

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When someone you care about ends a relationship, it can evoke feelings that range from disbelief to despair and everything in between. “How could this happen?” you think. “There must be something wrong with me.”

The same is true when someone with whom you’d like to explore a relationship doesn’t return the interest. “I thought I had a lot to offer—but maybe not.” When this happens—and we say “when” because it happens to nearly everyone—it’s easy to interpret the event as a painful rejection of the most personal kind. This interpretation isn’t merely hurtful; it can limit your future happiness, creating wounds and barriers that—if unchecked—can keep you from finding true love in the future.

For these reasons and more, when you’re interested in someone and that relationship ends (or doesn’t begin) it’s important to embrace a healthy perspective on what has just occurred. Here are some considerations to help you do just that:

1. Just the facts, ma’am. When a relationship comes to an unfortunate end, stick to the facts. Avoid piling on self-deprecating opinions like “This means I’m not worth loving,” or “Now I’ll never find someone to love,” or “I must not be very attractive.” These messages are not only untrue, but they can also generate even more pain than the loss of the person you cared about. In fact, if you find yourself more upset about what this breakup “says about you” than about the loss of the person you cared about, you are clearly heaping on self-condemnation and it’s time to alter your self-talk, even if that means seeking therapy to help you embrace a positive perception.

2. Realize that sometimes love simply runs out. When a breakup happens, that doesn’t mean you are flawed, nor does it mean you’ve failed. It may not even be about you at all. Sometimes, in the early stages, love just fades. It’s not necessarily about either partner. This is why it’s rarely wise to make a lifetime commitment within weeks of falling in love—the feeling may dissipate. It takes time to see if the love you share is the permanent kind. And if it’s not, it isn’t a statement about you at all. It simply means the relationship ran its course, and it’s better to discover that while dating than after a trip down the aisle.

3. Typically, breakups are more about a clash in vision than they are about any one person. Choosing to end a relationship usually occurs when one partner realizes something is out of sync with his or her vision for the future. We all have expectations about what we want from a long-term relationship, and sometimes reality doesn’t match up with those expectations. When that happens, it doesn’t mean that YOU are deficient or inadequate in some way; it simply means that WE together don’t have the necessary ingredients for an enduring partnership.

When someone you care about ends a relationship or declines to start one at all, the loss of that real (or potential) partnership is painful enough. So don’t add to the hurt by buying into the myth that it’s all about you.

About Ashley and eH+:

eH+Ashsuit09102014-15eHarmony’s new service, eH+ , gives you the benefit of a personal matchmaker who picks your matches and guides you to success. We’re taking the best of what eHarmony does and combining that with what personal matchmakers do best – person-to-person conversation, opportunities for feedback, and coaching to put your best foot forward.

Learn More about eH+.

eHarmony users, be sure to include your phone number in your account information so that Ashley can contact you if you are a match for an eH+ client.

The post Why Rejection Isn’t All about You appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Thursday

29

January 2015

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COMMENTS

7 Ways to Make a Great First Impression

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The first impression you make endures forever. And if you make a poor first impression you may never have a chance to make another one.

Whether you are dating, applying for a job, or seeing a new potential customer, you can always improve in this area and make not just a good but a great first impression.

Here’s how: 

1. Pay Attention. There is very little I like more than a person who concentrates exclusively on me. Similarly, there is very little I like less than meeting someone who looks over my shoulder at someone or something else. I once saw a singer at a small club peek at her watch during a performance to see how soon she could get off the stage. Clearly, the audience was not her first priority. I left when she took her break.

2. Be Pleasant. If you appear to be in a bad mood I will assume you are either upset with me or have a sour disposition. In either case, why should I see or talk to you again? Remember, the cost of being nice is small. The cost of being nasty can be huge.

3. Be Positive. It’s easy to find fault. The world is not perfect. But we all know that. I want to meet problem solvers, not problem creators. Problems are easy to find. Solutions are more difficult to come by. If you want to make a great first impression on me, bring me a solution, not a problem.

4. Be Agreeable. The words, “you’re right,” or “I agree with you,” go a long way toward establishing a new and outstanding relationship. I’m not going to spend much time with someone who always argues with me, even if they’re right.

5. Be Specific. I like to hear stories with specifics. We all do. If I told you that I read a story about a woman who had a problem with an animal, would you ever suspect I was talking about Little Red Riding Hood’s grandmother? 

6. Admit your flaws. I have never been 100% perfect for even a single day in my life, and people who pretend that they are make me nervous. At best they are oblivious to their faults. At worst, they are unable or unwilling to make course corrections. And if they have to be perfect they will undoubtedly find fault with me in order to prove that they are better than I am. It’s hard to be around someone with an inflated ego. Our flaws are what make us human, and lovable. The statement, “I often have trouble picking out new clothes,” is a lot more appealing than, “People say I’m the best dressed person they ever met.”

7. Say thank you for something specific. As you leave your first encounter, you might say, “Thank you for spending this time with me.” This will reinforce the great first impression, which you have already made, and a display of appreciation is an excellent way to leave a positive lasting impression.

Since there is no substitute for getting an impact right the first time, (you can’t go back and do it again), I suggest that you practice your “Great First Impression” technique with a friend. And your friend can practice making a “Great First Impression” on you. Each of you will not only learn a lot, but you will also have fun in the process.

It’s never too soon for you to begin creating great first impressions.
people toolsAbout the author:

ALAN FOX is the author of The New York Times bestseller PEOPLE TOOLS: 54 Strategies for Building Relationships, Creating Joy, and Embracing Prosperity. Visit www.peopletoolsbook.com

 

The post 7 Ways to Make a Great First Impression appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Thursday

29

January 2015

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COMMENTS

If You Believe These 5 Things, You’re Ready for Love

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It’s all about letting go of the past …

1. You are no longer afraid of getting your heart broken.

You have reached a stage in your life where finding or going after true love is far more valuable than the obstacles (read heart breaks) on the way. Your focus is clear and straight – to reach out to that one soul who is meant to share his/her soul with you.

2. You understand and believe that nothing lasts forever, except the love inside of you.

Neither relationships nor friendships last forever — everything is transient. People undergo changes and so do feelings and belief systems; even human cells undergo changes every seven years. So whatever makes you grow is the best for you. This realization has dawned on you and you embrace everything fully and completely.

3. You’re not afraid to commit because the fear of rejection or dejection has left you.

You are courageous enough to walk toward what gives you joy and peace, even if it involves commitment. You don’t look at commitment as a bondage of your free spirit, but you take it as a natural step towards the one you love. Commitment doesn’t mean marriage or a live-in situation necessarily but granting that emotional space to that someone special in your life, which you will not share with anyone else.

4. You feel free, alive, joyous, and ready to break all shackles within yourself.

You feel an amazing energy inside of you that stems out of deep faith in the universe and in the goodness of life. No obstacle or trouble or grief or sorrow can put you down for long. You are raring to go and experience life intensely and fully.

5. You are open to learn all your lessons that life has to offer quickly but truly.

You act wisely, maturely, and look at every life experience as a stepping stone towards your inner self. Whether it’s a lesson of patience, tolerance, trust or anything else, you learn it from each soul crossing your path and from the one sent to teach you that lesson.

For you, every experience is a call for reaching your higher self.

More at YourTango:

7 Ways Love Transforms Your Brain

15 Ways Guys Say ‘I Love You’ (Without Actually Saying It)

Men Hate it When You Wear These 10 Things

 

Originally posted at YourTango: You Won’t Find True Love Until You do These 5 Things

The post If You Believe These 5 Things, You’re Ready for Love appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Thursday

29

January 2015

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COMMENTS

How to Overcome a Bad First Impression

Written by , Posted in Articles

Online dating is all about first impressions. After all, there’s a big pool of daters out there – if someone doesn’t interest you or work out from the start, there’s plenty more to meet! You might think - why waste time with someone who didn’t text back right away, acted nervous throughout the night, or canceled your first date three times? No thanks!

But what happens when you are the one who wants a do-over?

Sometimes, you don’t get a second chance to make a ...

Wednesday

28

January 2015

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COMMENTS

6 Dating Ideas for a Snowstorm

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Are you about to be snowbound?

People are panicking and filling up their pantries with food and water for a big blizzard. #Snowmageddon is heading to the east coast with record anticipated snowfall from New York to Boston. Before mass transit ceases to a halt, singles that filled their date cards are probably wondering whether to cancel their dates or not.

If you’re going to be snowbound, here are some ways to have fun with your date or still feel attached until it’s safe to go out and play again.

1. Go on a Skype or FaceTime Date

Still have electricity or a full battery on your computer? Get dressed up with what you’d wear on a date, remember to put on your lipstick ladies, and both of you grab a glass of wine or bubbly for the occasion. Log on and have a virtual date rather than canceling.

2. Answer these 36 Love Questions

A Modern Love column on the New York Times reads, To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This. These questions from Psychologist Dr. Aron suggest they can help you fall in love with anybody. Some questions include: Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life and tell your partner something you like about them. This exercise should help you get to know each other better and has been known to be responsible for some marriages.

Not sure if that’s realistic or not? Why not give it a try.

3. Binge Watch on Netflix

Snuggled up with your date? Why not spend the day or evening binge watching some romance on Netflix if you can’t be at work. From House of Cards to Scandal and New Girl to Madmen, you’ll be bonding with your sweetie and won’t be able turn off the TV.

4. Build a Snowman

If you can make it to his or her home, bundle up and go outside to build a snowman or make a snow angel. It’s playful and will bring you back to your youth. In between, indulge in a snowball fight or two.

5. Create an Indoor Scavenger Hunt

If the geography and transportation allow you to keep your scheduled date, a great way to make it fun and flirty is to create a treasure or scavenger hunt in your home. To do this, place romantic clues in envelopes around your house and number them. At each location, there will be a love note with suggestions for a kiss, a back rub, a foot massage, or whatever your imagination will allow.

6. Write a Traditional Love Note

If your electricity is out and the battery life has expired on your mobile phone, light a candle and grab and pen and paper. It’s time to get traditional and draft a hand-written love note. When you get together for your rescheduled date, hand him or her an envelope to open. You’ll be surprised how it will be received.

Will you be canceling your dates or be taking a digital approach to stay in touch during the snowstorm?

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of the Internet and is the founder of CyberDatingExpert.com. Julie and her team create Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene.  For more relationship advice, sign up for the free Weekly Flirt Newsletter and join the conversation on #DateChat on Twitter on Thursdays at 8pm/ET.

 

Originally appeared on CyberDatingExpert.com.

The post 6 Dating Ideas for a Snowstorm appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Wednesday

28

January 2015

0

COMMENTS

Tuesday

27

January 2015

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COMMENTS

Why Guys Should Pay for Dinner

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“Really, that’s just not fair. I always pay my share the first time I meet a man.” ‘Janine’ said this after I suggested waiting for the man to pay for dates, and then paying her part only if he indicated he wanted her to. And not dating him again if indeed, that’s what he wanted.

It’s a tricky topic, and one women have asked me about often in my role as a science-based relationship advisor.  Some, like Janine, think it’s unfair to expect the guy to pay; others are confused, wanting to be treated, but thinking that might be wrong; and still others do the fake-pay, pulling out their wallets and feeling shortchanged when he takes her up on what she thought was a symbolic offer.

So what’s the deal?

Blame it on Great-Great-Great-Great Grandma

In a survey I conducted on best and worst dates, women’s top reason for not wanting to see a man again was his failure to pay the bill, “in full, without audible complaint. Period.”

Why?  Well, just as we inherited Daddy’s height, or Nana’s curls, we’re heirs to our ancestors’ thoughts. Studies in more than 37 cultures and societies globally prove it. Men have a shared psychology with other men, all over the world. And women have a genuine sisterhood, psychologically.

It all comes from what got people’s own genes cast forward.

Men of the ancient past didn’t have to worry about who was going to provide for them; they could get their own wildebeest, thankyouverymuch. But women couldn’t always get enough food when they were pregnant, nursing, and baby-schlepping. Those who happened to value a man who could and would provide, got what they needed to make sure they and their genes (aka kids) survived. Were there women who were devil-may-care when it came to whether a guy brought home the bison? Probably. But those women are part of human history~not human ancestry.

Today’s women want what their successful female forbears got: a good provider and protector. Factually, it’s still relevant to women. And our genes’ survival.  Globally, right now, women who have a fully invested husband are healthier, wealthier, longer-lived, and happier than women who don’t. And their kids survive better, too.

Pass On Going Dutch

Upshot? Dating is the modern test to show whether a man will provide; it’s the best information we’ve got, up-front, that he is or isn’t into us. Studies show that where a man invests his money, he’s investing his heart; and where he’s not, he’s not. When men fall in love, they fall harder and faster than women do. One way they know they’re falling is whether they like paying.

By going dutch, Janine was casting aside some of the very most valuable information you can get: Does he care? She changed her strategy and found that suddenly, she no longer got played for weeks or months with guys who didn’t truly want her.

So bring on the stayers and eliminate players. Let the guy pay. If he doesn’t, you can easily move on. If he does — that’s a move towards yes for love and possibly for life.

LoveFactually-Final-CoverAbout the Author:

Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., is the author of Love Factually: 10 Proven Steps from I Wish to I Do (2015); this is a partial excerpt. The book is available now. You can get a free chapter and learn more at http://www.lovefactually.co

The post Why Guys Should Pay for Dinner appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Tuesday

27

January 2015

0

COMMENTS

Tuesday

27

January 2015

0

COMMENTS