Chat and Flirt

Modern dating advice for the internet.

Saturday

25

October 2014

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COMMENTS

Match.com Launches New Marriage-Minded Dating Site with Steve Harvey

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Steve Harvey has been dishing out dating advice to women quite successfully over the years, because he knows what it was like to be a man playing around without really wanting to commit. His book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, was a best-seller among the hundreds of dating advice books to hit the market. Now, he’s teamed up with Match.com to create a dating site called “Delightful” that competes directly with marriage-minded sites like eHarmony.

"Women want to date with the goal that it turns into a relationship," Harvey told The Chicago Tribune in a recent article. "It kind of breaks my heart when I have women on my show who've been on 50, 100 dates. Something's not right if you have to go out with 100 people."

This comment made me wonder - has Steve Harvey actually tried online dating? Tinder? Most of us have been on at least 50 dates, if not more. I don’t think there’s something wrong with people dati ...

Friday

24

October 2014

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COMMENTS

15 Ways to Deal with Mixed Signals

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It’s one of the most common complaints in the dating landscape: dealing with mixed signals from a potential partner.

Your date was fantastic and he said he’d call soon—but didn’t. Or maybe your growing relationship suddenly went cold when she started acting distant. Or perhaps the other person made an out-of-the-blue comment that caused you to wonder where you stood.

Sound familiar? The next time you find yourself in a similar situation, try and remember any of the following:

1. Don’t jump to conclusions or assume anything. You’re tempted to read into everything, but you can’t know for sure what’s going on inside another person’s head. Try not to waste too much energy on wondering what is happening on the other end. Time will reveal all.

2. Take off your blinders. Love has a way of clouding our thinking. Make sure you’re seeing the relationship accurately. What would your advice be to a friend if they were going through this experience?

3. Don’t take it personally. Mixed signals may have nothing to do with you, so resist the urge to feel as if you have done something wrong.

4. Back off. Allow for plenty of breathing room.

5. Believe what you’re told (until convinced you shouldn’t). Give your partner the benefit of the doubt and show trust—until trust is broken.

6. Realize the other person may have issues going on. The confusing behavior may lie with your partner’s life circumstances, fears, or past hurts.

7. Don’t be demanding. One of the worst responses is to become huffy: “Why didn’t you call? What took you so long?”

8. Recognize the emotional tug-of-war that can happen. There is a push-pull phenomenon common to relationships: the more you push, the more your partner will pull away.

9. Make sure you’re not contributing to the confusion. Feeling insecure may prompt you to send your own mixed signals, but this will only make matters worse.

10. Get a second opinion. A trusted friend may see things more clearly than you can.

11. Beware of overanalyzing. When we are strongly attracted to someone, it’s easy to dissect every word, action, and tone of voice.

12. Ask direct questions. Without being pushy, a few well-chosen questions can clear things up in a hurry.

13. Realize you’re only responsible for you. You can’t control what signals your partner conveys, but you can control how you react to them.

14. Bolster your self-confidence. A sense of self-assurance will help you endure the ups and downs—and will add to your attractiveness.

15. Know when to walk away. If mixed signals persist, decide what you are willing to live with. You deserve better than to be with a manipulator, or at the very least someone who is just not available for a relationship.

Have you endured mixed signals in your relationships?

The post 15 Ways to Deal with Mixed Signals appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Thursday

23

October 2014

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Why You Should Stop Putting So Much Effort Into Your Online Dating Messages

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Yep, you read that headline right. And the news comes straight from the mouth of Christian Rudder, co-founder of OkCupid and writer of the OkTrends blog, so you know it's worth paying attention to.

Messages are usually the most private part of an online dating site, but Rudder gets special access and he's used it for another interesting wave of online dating research.

First, he took a look at the history of technology and how it altered the way we communicate. The notable moment came in 2008, when Apple launched the app store and everything went mobile. The effect on OkCupid users' writing was practically instantaneous. Smartphone-using singles started typing on teeny-tiny keyboards, and as a result message length has dropped by over two-thirds in the 6 years since.

These days, the average message is just over 100 characters. It seems like nothing, but users have adapted. Messages that get the highest response rate are now only 40-60 characters l ...

Wednesday

22

October 2014

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COMMENTS

4 Scary-Bad Pieces Of Online Dating Advice You Shouldn't Follow

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Normally the type of scares we talk about come October are the ones that involve zombies and werewolves and candy-craving kids hopped up on too much sugar, but around here we're more concerned with a different kind of fright.

Over the last 8 years, I've spent a lot of time reading, writing, and occasionally even following online dating advice. And whew...there is some scary, scary stuff out there. Plenty of people get it right, but let's be honest – plenty more get it wrong, so wrong it's almost scary how bad it is.

I spend most of my time on the good advice, but Halloween puts me in the mood for being horrified so today we're taking a detour to Terrortown. All of the advice you're about to read? Don't follow it, unless you want to be an urban legend singles tell to scare each other off online dating.

  1. Spend days crafting the perfect profile. When was the last time you showered? Or ate something that wasn't cooked in a microwave? Or sa ...

Tuesday

21

October 2014

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COMMENTS

12 Ways to Attract The Perfect Partner

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978-0-385-34855-3If you don’t yet have that special relationship in your life and you deeply want it, try the steps below and see what happens.

1. Write out all your negative feelings about your past relationship(s), then rip the paper into tiny pieces and let the wind carry all those old, stale memories away.

2. Find a beach, a mountaintop or somewhere with wide open spaces, then scream into the waves, the mountains, etc., all the “gunk” you are now releasing.

3. Sit with a friend and describe the heartfelt desires and intentions you are now accepting into your life.

4. Begin making room in your life for the lover who is not yet here, but whom you are beginning to feel could soon show up.

5. Receive a consultation in the ancient ritual of Feng Shui to make your space conducive to your new relationship.

6. Write down everything you want in your man or woman.

7. Create a Vision Book to put into pictures the vision of your life with your soul mate, what your relationship would be like, and how you would feel in that relationship.

8. Get yourself out of the house. Each week do something that is fun for you.

9. Find exercise that you really enjoy, whether it’s Pilates, cycling, running, Zumba, or whatever and start working out regularly.

10. Begin your own daily visualization ritual. Each day listen to your favorite love songs, imagining your life with the man or woman of your dreams. Use all of your senses, to see and feel him/her in your life.

11. Take your life off “hold.” Start taking the trips you’ve dreamed about.

12. Now let go. Surrender. And see what the universe has in store for you.

Your Hidden Riches is available now wherever books are sold. Learn more at TheHiddenRiches.com

Excerpted and adapted from Your Hidden Riches: Unleashing the Power of Ritual to Create a Life of Meaning and Purpose by Janet Bray Attwood, Chris Attwood, and Sylva Dvorak, PH.D. Copyright © 2014 by Janet Bray Attwood and Chris Attwood. Excerpted by permission of Crown Publishers, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

The post 12 Ways to Attract The Perfect Partner appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Tuesday

21

October 2014

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COMMENTS

7 Rules For Finding The Perfect Partner Online

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Online dating is...well, let's just say it's not the easiest thing you'll ever do. It falls somewhere between “Waiting in line at the DMV” and “Your friend vomiting on you while you hold her hair after a night of too many tequila shots” on the frustration scale.

And yet, we can't keep ourselves away. There's something undeniably alluring about clicking profiles and swiping right, so we make the best of it and keep on going.

No doubt you have an online dating horror story of your own – or maybe even enough to fill an entire anthology – but you don't have to stumble from one bad date to another. There are good dates to be had too, and these 7 rules will help you find them.

  1. Get Online: This is gonna sound crazy, but you can't meet someone online if you're not online in the first place. I know taking the plunge is scary, but it's less scary than not taking the plunge. Stop procrastinating and brave that first step.
  2. Pr ...

Monday

20

October 2014

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COMMENTS

Are You Having an Emotional Affair? Take this Quiz

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A soul mate relationship is based on trust, commitment, and a strong desire to be together. Still, despite this powerful bond, it’s also true that your hearts will be stretched in countless ways. The danger, especially during challenging times, is that you may be vulnerable to having an emotional affair. This can damage trust and stop you from surrendering to the growth needed for your relationship.

What is an emotional affair? In my book, The Ecstasy of Surrender, I describe it as when you turn to a friend or co-worker for emotional (not physical) intimacy. The seduction is that this person gives you what you feel your mate doesn’t: support, ego boosts, empathy, playfulness, an undercurrent of flirting or attraction. Initially, this can seem innocent but you may begin to share more with this “safe” person than with your mate. I understand how it can be easier to talk to someone sympathetic who’s more peripheral. You’re not wrestling with the same hot-button emotions such as anger or disappointment that can arise with a soul mate. Your dark sides aren’t engaged, which is what causes most impasses among couples.

However, if you keep sharing with your special friend and not your spouse, your primary relationship will suffer. You’ll become distant, less present, and therefore less able to resolve conflicts. Your partner will sense something is wrong. Basically, these affairs are a form of cheating, and like any infidelity can lead to deception and betrayal. In fact, research reports that about half of these “innocent” liaisons eventually turn into full blown sexual affairs. With a true platonic soul friend, there’s no deception, hidden sexual agenda, nor is anyone diverting your emotional energy from your primary relationship.

How do you know you’re having an emotional affair?

Watch for these signs:

You withdraw from your spouse but confide in your friend.

It’s difficult to talk to your spouse about conflicts.

You feel lonely and that your spouse doesn’t appreciate you.

You’re frequently online with your friend, texting, or even sexting.

You believe your friend understands you better than your spouse.

You keep your friendship a secret from your spouse or lie about how often you interact.

When you’re confronted with the emotional affair, you deny it.

If five to seven signs are present, it strongly suggests you’re having an emotional affair. Three to four signs indicate that you’re either primed to have one or you already are. One to two signs suggest the possibility of an emotional affair. Zero yeses indicate that you are not involved with one.

It takes honesty to admit you’re having an emotional affair. The first step is to recognize what’s happening. Then you have the choice to either continue the affair or decide to focus on your partner. The truth is, you can’t do both. If you choose your partner, you must surrender to doing what it takes to heal the relationship. First, this means cutting off the emotional affair. In a respectful, clear way you must tell the other person, “I can’t cyber-chat, text, meet up with you, or talk on the phone anymore. It’s not possible for us to be ‘just friends.’”

Then, openly talk to your partner about what’s causing the distance. Is it his or her long hours at work? A lingering hurt? Lack of affection? Many therapists recommend confessing your emotional affair. In most cases I agree, but how and whether you decide to do this depends on what will be most caring and helpful to your partner. At the very least, I suggest that patients lovingly communicate, “I’ve been sharing my feelings more with a friend than I have with you. This doesn’t feel right. I want us to be closer.” Or you can acknowledge that you’ve crossed a line and how far you’ve crossed it. Use your intuition as a guide for how much you want to share. But be prepared for your partner’s hurt and angry feelings. Listen without getting defensive. Then, together or with a therapist, begin to address where you’ve grown apart or shut down. Despite great pain, soul mates have what it takes to withstand difficulty until things are resolved. It may take time, awareness, and love, but with bonds as strong as these, I know it’s possible.

 

Surrender book coverJudith Orloff MD is author of the national bestseller The Ecstasy of Surrender: 12 Surprising Ways Letting Go Can Empower Your Life, upon which this article is based.

Dr. Orloff is a psychiatrist, intuitive healer, and New York Times bestselling author who synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition, energy, and spirituality. An Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA, she passionately believes that the future of medicine involves integrating all this wisdom to achieve emotional freedom and total wellness. Dr. Orloff’s work has been featured on The Today Show, CNN, Forbes, the Oprah Magazine and USA Today. To learn more about the power of surrender and Dr. Orloff’s books and workshop schedule visit www.drjudithorloff.com.

 

The post Are You Having an Emotional Affair? Take this Quiz appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Monday

20

October 2014

0

COMMENTS

Unlocking Dating Myths: ‘Love Only Happens When You’re Not Looking.’

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Two days ago on Facebook, I saw this post: “Not looking anymore. If it’s meant to be, love will happen.” It was littered with likes.

Folks, there is a word for people over age 25 or so who wait for love to happen to them, and that word is “single.”

Yet people keep believing love will find a way—no assistance needed. Why?

When we are very young, we really don’t have to look for companions. We just naturally find them wherever we are. Sociologists claim that as long as people are thrown together often over time in circumstances that let them interact, they’ll make friends easily.

So a lot of people do find a mate when they aren’t looking—as long as the environment where they aren’t looking is someplace rife with the available, like high school or college.

Second, weird stuff happens, and when it does, it’s normal for people to pay attention to the weird stuff and discount the scientific norm. Our brains are wired for story, not statistics–especially vivid stories and stories of those close to us. This might’ve helped our ancestors avoid harm; they didn’t have stats, but they did have the benefit of others’ experience to guide them towards safety. So if you have a friend who accidentally jostled into Mr. Right on her subway commute, it’s tempting to think you don’t have to look, either.

But she’s an exception!

Sometimes, people don’t understand that science gives probabilities, not certainties, and it’s good at predicting what happens to large groups of people, rather than individuals. For instance, let’s say you heard that smoking kills six out of 10 smokers. That is objectively true. But let’s also say you have an uncle who smoked all his life and died of old age at 100; does his survival make science wrong? No. It makes your uncle an exception. Exceptional things do happen—in the case of smoking, four out of 10 times, smoking does not cause cancer. Also, science doesn’t tell us which four out of the 10 will be the survivors.

Yet if I were buying a car, and the salesperson said, “That’s a nice ride, but I should mention that this vehicle causes death by explosion in six of 10 buyers,” then I’d buy something else.

Science gives odds of an event happening; it doesn’t tell us exactly when and to whom it will occur. It doesn’t say: “Do what the science says, and you, Tanya, will find love next Tuesday.” It says: “This is what happens to most people most of the time, so if you want to max out your odds, here’s how.”

If you want certainties, you have to pay someone with a crystal ball! If you want advice based on compelling tales…well, there’s always your friends’ experiences. Or mine. Stories are wonderful—but they’re not data. If you want the best odds, based in fact, you consult science.

Upshot? If you’re a college student, or in some other environment rich in single people, then you are already looking, without having to look. Stumbling on a great mate really could happen to you.

But if you’re reading this, you probably aren’t in that kind of environment. And even if you are, using strategy to look won’t hurt your chances of finding love; it will help.

Script to confront this harmful myth: “I increase my odds of finding a worthy partner by actively searching, not passively waiting.”

LoveFactually-Final-CoverHang in there: Using the strategies that help most people most of the time is very doable. Let’s find out what they are, and how you can apply them, starting today.

Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., is the author of Love Factually: 10 Proven Steps from I Wish to I Do, releasing on January 7, 2015; this entry is a partial excerpt. She also contributes at Psychology Today and teaches psychology at Austin-area universities. Get a free chapter of Love Factually!

 

 

 

The post Unlocking Dating Myths: ‘Love Only Happens When You’re Not Looking.’ appeared first on eHarmony Advice.

Monday

20

October 2014

0

COMMENTS

Do iPhone Users Have More Sex?

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A new study by German researchers shows that men who are looking for more casual sex are more willing to spend money for the new iPhone 6 rather than purchase a cheaper Android phone.

According to website Science of Relationships, Christine Hennighausen and Frank Schwab of the University of Wuerzburg asked 350 men and women how likely they would be to buy an Apple iPhone or a Samsung Galaxy Ace. (The Samsung device sells for about 20% of the price of an iPhone.)

The experiment showed that men’s desire to purchase an iPhone depended not only on whether he was in a committed relationship, but whether he was looking for a long-term relationship or just casual one-night stands. As it turns out, men in committed relationships were no more or less likely to purchase an iPhone as compared to an Android. But single men who were looking for long-term relationsh ...

Sunday

19

October 2014

0

COMMENTS

Tinder Spammers Still Going Strong Despite Security Improvements

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Dating app Tinder has had to deal with a lot of security issues, despite the app’s verification system using Facebook Connect.  In theory, because of Facebook’s security measures, only “real people” can join Tinder, so users can sign up with some reassurance the profiles they'll encounter will be real. But lately, this has not been the case.

Spammers and scammers have been able to lure users away from Tinder and onto their sites, typically, with spam bots - fake accounts pretending to be real people that flirt with users in order to redirect them to adult sites - and take their money. In the past, Tinder users could block profiles, but they couldn’t report spam.

According to website Tech Crunch, things have changed. Users can now not only block accounts but also report spam. Tinder also made a technical update to address the issue, and the update was effective at cutting down on the in-app spam. Unfortunately, the spam bots just found another avenue - SMS. Ph ...